Darkness
by onmyside
Summary: A collection of little one shots that will form a complete story in the end. Small scenes of the Carson/Hughes relationship we all want so badly to become canon soon.
1. Chapter 1

_A/N A little one shot I wrote in between chapters. Hope you enjoy it._

**DARKNESS**

* * *

The door to his pantry was ajar. No lamp or fire was lit inside but through the small opening she could see him sitting at his desk under cover of darkness. There was just enough light coming from the hallway that she could make out his large frame against the walls of his room. The white shirt of his evening livery stood out against the blacks and greys concealing him. He must have come downstairs at the time when everyone else had decided that it was time to go to sleep after a long and exhausting day. She had stayed behind, waited for him, wondered what took him so long. The clock had struck midnight, one o'clock, and finally half past one when she eventually closed her book and turned out the light.

He had probably sat in his room, unnoticed by her, for quite some time. In the quietness of the night she heard him heave a sigh and it sent a shiver down her spine. They had not talked about it since the decision had been made. The subject was avoided. She would not bring it up for fear of hurting him even more and he simply ignored it in a vain hope that the problem would solve itself if no one talked about it. Of course their behaviour was silly.

Her hand touched the doorknob, ready to open the door and enter his room. Someone had to break the silence, make a start and put an end to the dispute they had fought out with looks and gestures only. On the other side of the door a chair scraped over the floor. He had stood up, was leaning on his desk, his head bowed. His face was not visible but she knew what it probably showed would she look at it: sadness and hurt. She let go of the door, took a step back and listened to the sounds. His footsteps resounded in the empty room as he made his way over to the second door. It opened inwards, he stepped out into the hallway and had his back turned towards her.

"You are still awake." Although she kept her voice low, the sound of it was as loud as if she had yelled at him. He did not react. "I thought you had gone to bed with the others."

His body started to shake and his left hand went up to cover his mouth. She could hear the muffled sobbing nevertheless and it broke her heart. With hesitant steps she approached him. Her hand reached out to touch his shoulder, squeezed it gently, before she wrapped her arms around him and rested her head on his back.

"Why?" The deep voice was hardly audible.

"She wants to start a new life." She replied matter-of-factly although she knew that this was not the answer he had wanted to hear from her.

"Her life is here. At Downton." One of his hands enclosed hers, and his thumb gently caressed the skin. "She gets every support she needs."

"That is not obviously not enough to make her stay." She loosened her embrace and stepped around him, wanted to look into his face. "But she will return one day."

Tears had left their marks on his cheeks and the wet tracks shimmered in the dim light of the hallway. The sad expression in his eyes was overwhelming and she had to fight hard to swallow her own tears. "Mr Blake is a good man. He will take care of her."

He looked down into her face and she could see in his eyes that her words had not taken away the pain. "You will never leave me?"

Her thumb brushed away some of the fresh tears that kept falling down his cheeks. "Never." She had to stand on tiptoes, as always, to gently kiss his lips. "I will stay with you forever."

The kiss was returned before his arms encircled her, pulled her close into a warm embrace. "Perhaps we can visit them one day."

"One day we will." A few tears escaped from her eyes and soaked his livery. "I promise you that."

The darkness around them was like a thick blanket, covering them, providing a shelter from the next day. Suitcases were already packed, a passage booked on one of the large and luxurious ocean liners that crossed the Atlantic and arrived in New York City in less than a week. Lady Mary would leave Downton Abbey in the early hours of the coming morning together with her fiancé Mr Charles Blake.

"We should go and get some sleep now." She spoke into his chest, muffled her words. He understood her anyway. His arms let go of her body but one hand reached out to take her hand, holding on to it all the way upstairs to their bedroom. She would hold him tonight, ease his pain the best she could. He had always taken care of Lady Mary now it was time that someone took care of him.


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N WOW! The reaction to this one shot (haha) were overwhelming! So I wrote a little 2nd chapter to it. Call it a series of "scenes", moments that they share since Lady Mary's departure. (and yes, _What remains of the past_ will also be updated soon!)  
_

**SPRING**

* * *

The green meadows were dotted with the flowers of early spring. Bushes and trees were in bud already and the sun had warmed up the air considerably. During the day one could leave the house without putting on gloves or a woollen scarf. A hat and a light shawl, draped around the neck were sufficient.

With skilled movements she pinned the dark green hat in place, closed the last few buttons of the matching coat. She was ready to go out, enjoy her half -day outside the big house. The fresh air, fragranced by the many flowers already abloom in the gardens would do her good and chase away the dark thoughts that always plagued her during the long and dark winter months.

"You're ready to go?" His head appeared in the open doorway. "I'd say we take a walk to the village through the forest and…"

"Actually, I'd rather like to take that particular route on our way back", she interrupted him. "I'd like to see the sunshine and feel it on my face." She adjusted the hat one last time. "If it's agreeable for you?"

"Of course it is."

She turned around, at last ready to go and was greeted by his wonderful, warm smile. He looked so handsome in his grey tweed suit, so different compared to the black and white uniform he wore all day for most of the year.

"Then, Mr Carson, I'm looking very much forward to our walk." She reached out for his hand, like she had done so many times since that last summer in London. His hand felt warm and soft once it had enclosed her own. A rare moment of intimacy, so simple and yet so strong. He led her out of the room and into the sunlit backyard where she tilted her head back to look at the bright blue sky.

"We're very lucky." She inhaled deeply. "To have such fine weather after last week's heavy rain showers."

"Very lucky indeed." He let go of her hand and offered her his arm, which she took gladly knowing that he would pull her closer to his side as soon as they had left the backyard with its thousand eyes, and ears, always ready to spread the newest gossip.

Once they had stepped through the red brick gate at the eastern side, the vast green grounds opened in front of them. A few more steps away from the house, their pace perfectly in sync, he let go of her arm. She turned her head sideways, looked at him, confused by this unexpected behaviour.

"Would you mind if I kissed you?" He stopped walking.

"What's brought this on?" She let out a breath she had not realized she was holding. This man rarely broke a habit, hardly ever changed a routine he had grown accustomed to. And yet, since Lady Mary had departed for America, he had surprised her with actions she had never thought him capable of. Touching her arm, holding her hand when others were present, calling her by her first name when he thought no one was overhearing them although the house was aware of everything. And now a kiss outside, on the grounds where someone might easily walk past them.

"I don't know, the early spring perhaps?" He grinned and cupped her cheek gently.

"It has nothing to do with the telegram you received earlier?"

"Nothing at all, although I must admit that its contents made me happy." His thumb caressed her face.

"Then you might as well kiss me."

Outside, on the path visible to everyone who cared to look out of a window, stood the butler and housekeeper engrossed in a kiss no one would call chaste. In fact, it left her breathless and a bit dizzy once they broke it. Whoever had not been aware of this blossoming love now had proof that it was more than a simple search of companionship.

She took hold of his hand again, walked close by his side, both of them fixing their gaze on the gravel path and the sounds of their footsteps until the house was far in the distance behind them. Only then did she find the courage to steal a glance.

"That was lovely."

"We could repeat it on our way back."

"You're full of surprises today."

* * *

maybe tbc...


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N oops. It happened again..._

* * *

**COLD**

She felt cold, so indescribably cold. Her teeth chattered and her body would not stop shivering. Another blanket, a hot water bottle? Tea? She longed for something to warm her up. Anything was welcomed if it only stopped her from feeling cold.

With shaking hands she pushed down the blanket and tried to move her body out of the bed and onto her feet. One more blanket, just across the room, in the bottom drawer. But she could not make her legs move. They were too heavy and they hurt so much. Exhausted she let her head fall back on the damp pillow and drew the blanket up around her once more in a vain hope to get warm after all.

It did not work. Her legs still shivered, she could not stop her teeth from chattering. Whatever was wrong with her probably required more than an additional blanket to make her feel better. If only someone would come through that door now and help her. Where was he? Why wasn't he here already? She had been at his side so many times, nursing him back to health. Why wasn't he doing the same for her now?

A coughing fit shook her entire body. Once it had ceased it was followed by another. She could not stop it. Her chest hurt, her throat was sore and tears flooded her eyes. She tried to call for help but her voice was only a whisper.

ooo

He woke with a start. What was that noise? It had sounded horrible, so unreal. There it was again, coming from the room next to his. Coughing, so frightfully loud it sent a shiver down his spine. As fast as he could, he got out of his bed, ignored the cold floor and did not bother with his robe. He had to be at her side this instant.

The connecting door was locked, the key on the other side, hanging on its hook. He could smash the glass or walk down the stairs and take the other entrance. In the end he opted for the latter and made his way down and up the cold stone steps in a hurry until he stood in front of her door, out of breath.

ooo

He was here, finally. Her knight in shining armour. She could barely see him in the darkness and her eyes refused to focus, blurring his features. But it was his voice she heard through the feverish fog.

"Elsie my love, oh my god, what's wrong?" She reached out to touch him, to tell him that she was so cold, so horrible cold. He had to warm her, stop the shivering. Her hand fell listlessly down on the blanket. He took it, stroked it, put one hand no her forehead. Not there, no fever, cold. "You're burning! I'll go and wake Mrs Patmore, then call for the doctor!"

Her mouth tried to form the words _No don't go, stay with me _but he could not hear them. A quick kiss on her cheek and he was gone again, leaving her alone in this dark room. She closed her eyes. He would come back, he loved her, he would make her feel better…

"Mrs Hughes? Can you hear me?" Someone touched her face, not gently like he always did. "We need to get her out of these damp clothes and change the bedlinen too." No don't do that, I'm cold. She tried to open her eyes, slowly, and was blinded by the bright electric light someone had switched on in her room.

"Mrs Hughes?" Doctor Clarkson looked down at her, worry written all over his face. Where was _he? _Where was Charles?

"Doctor? I'm cold", she whispered.

"I know and we will try to make you feel better. Mrs Patmore will help you change."

"Where's…" her voice faltered and she could not keep her eyes open for much longer.

"He's outside." Mrs Patmore was at her side and carefully whooped her forehead with a wet cool cloth. "I'll tell him to come in as soon as you've changed into fresh clothes."

ooo

She slept for two full days and her fever broke on the morning of the second. He stayed at her side throughout the entire time, while Mr Barrow was in charge of the butler's duties downstairs. No one had questioned this decision, not even Lord Grantham. If he was the one Mrs Hughes needed to get back on her feet than there was no use to argue about it.

He held her hand when she woke up. She looked exhausted and fragile but there was a smile on her lips. "You are here."

"Of course I am." His lips placed a gentle kiss on the back of her hand. "I didn't leave you alone for one minute."

"I knew you wouldn't." She closed her eyes again and he was afraid she would fall asleep once more. "And we shouldn't have walked back in the pouring rain the other day." Her voice was only a whisper nut he could hear the smirk in it nevertheless.

"I'll remind you of that the next time we're taking a walk."

* * *

(you can keep the typos :-p)


	4. Chapter 4

_A/N another chapter. Enjoy it! (I seem to go from "angst" to "fluff" and back to "angst")_

* * *

**WISH**

"There is a shooting star!" She pointed at the otherwise pitch-black night sky at some far away spot on the horizon. "Make a wish."

"That's a superstitious belief, my dear." He pulled her closer to his side, wrapped his arm more securely around her. "Besides, I have everything I wished for right next to me."

"You are a hopeless romantic sometimes." One hand reached up to stroke his cheek. He may be stiff and tied to his rules when at work; in her company he was a completely different man. She only knew of one other person he could be more himself with. "I know there is someone you'd like to see again." They fell in step again, walked on through the night, back towards the house.

"It is not a wish I have the right to make." He said this with a sigh, and sadness in his voice that almost broke her heart. She knew how much Charles missed Lady Mary. He would not say so very often but there were moments when she caught him staring at her painting or smiling at some memory she was not privy to.

"You are her dearest friend, so I say you are entitled to hope for a letter or a telegram from her." For weeks, Lady Mary had not sent word from her new home in the States. Perhaps her parents or her sister had heard from her but if this had been the case, no one had informed Charles or her about it.

"She is neither my daughter, nor am I her friend." The sadness had turned into bitterness, his voice was harsh now. She should not have brought up the young Lady of the house tonight. Not after the wonderful evening at the village fair they had had. A free afternoon together was a rare treat. Now she had ruined it all.

"Forgive me." Elsie whispered, although she knew it was not necessarily her fault. "Let's not talk about it any longer."

Silently they walked on, each step brought them closer to the house and further away from the good times they had enjoyed tonight. It had been such a joy to not be responsible for a group of people, to make decisions only for them. They had held hands when no one was looking, shared a glass of cider, drank from the same cup. He had tried to win her a price at one of the booths. She wished it could always be like this, carefree and without responsibilities.

A few hundred metres away from the backyard he stopped them. "Elsie?"

She was startled for a second, still lost in her thoughts, before she looked up at him. His face was almost completely in the shadows but she could sense his mood by the tone in his voice. "I didn't mean to ruin this evening, forgive me."

He could never be cross with her for long and she had to smile at his words. "We are both forgiven then?"

"Yes." Charles took her hand and kissed it gently, then bent down to capture her lips.

"Was this supposed to be a good night kiss?" She muttered when they broke apart, his forehead touching her own, her hand still on his neck. "Because I made a wish earlier, you know?"

ooo

The house was fast asleep. Other than their footsteps on the stairs and the occasional creaking door and ticking clock, not a sound was heard. Quickly they made their way upstairs in the dark. Turning on a light would have given them away too easily.

He opened the door to his room and she slipped inside, silent like a shadow, unseen and unheard. The lock clicked two times when he turned the key. This was not the safest place in the house to share a night but the most comfortable for now.

She sat down on his bed, removed her hat and coat, and was waiting for him to join her. They had done this only a few times since the last summer in London, always afraid of being caught but spurred on by the thrill of it. It was the one sin they both could live with. There were no regrets, only one: not having made the decision to be together earlier in their lifes.

ooo

Late at night she woke up, her head resting on his broad chest. He was still sleeping peacefully, a sight she would never grow tired of. Carefully she lifted her head to change into a more comfortable position next to him, when her eyes caught a bright light outside. The curtains were not drawn and another shooting star crossed the night sky. She closed her eyes and thought of the one thing that would make him even more happy. "I make this wish for you then", she whispered before she went back to sleep.

* * *

TBC


	5. Chapter 5

_A/N This took me ages - not a chapter I like - because there is too much dialogue. But here you go. Maybe you love it?! Let me know_

**HAPPINESS**

* * *

What a surprise. There she stood, at the bottom of the stairs that led down to the kitchen and servant's hall, smiling at all of them but having eyes only for him.

"Good morning. Carson, Mrs Hughes. Please continue with your breakfast. I didn't mean to interrupt." One last nod of her head, a smile directed at the butler and she was gone again. What an appearance.

"Lady Mary is back?" Thomas was the first one to remember he had a voice.

"Obviously." Elsie sat down again, took a sip of her tea, burnt her tongue on the hot liquid. What a fitting start of her day. "Did _you _know?" She looked up at him. He was still standing, staring at the spot where the young Lady of the house had been moments ago. "Mr Carson?"

He shook his head, absentmindedly, as if waking up from a pleasant dream. "No…no." Charles took a seat again. "I didn't." But instead of reflecting the surprise everyone else around the table was experiencing, his face wore a smile that would not fade throughout breakfast.

ooo

He laughed freely today, smiled, did not reprimand either Jimmy or the young hallboy who accidentally smashed a plate while running into the footman. He even ignored Thomas' nasty comments about Charles Blake and the gossip that slowly trickled downstairs from the drawing room.

She had not seen him this happy in weeks, months. Ever since Lady Mary's departure he had changed. Until today she had not been able to point a finger at what it was that had him in a bad mood more often than usual. And as far as Elsie was aware, no one else had noticed anything odd about Mr Carson's behaviour. It was noticeable only to her eyes, but that was what mattered most. Elsie could understand the sadness that sometimes overcame him, the moments when he stared at some distant point, lost in his thoughts. Even his angry fits. Now she suddenly knew what the real origin of all of it was.

She tried to share his joy, smiled back at him whenever they met during the day but it was difficult for her. Lady Mary was the Earl's first-born daughter. Charles had known her all her life. They had always had that special bond between them she never truly understood. For him, Mary was without fault, not to be criticised, flawless. Even though she left the house and her family behind, never wrote, ignored the feelings of the people who had served her for her entire life, he was still looking up to her, put her on a pedestal. He had said it the other day: that she was not his daughter, or was he her friend but Elsie knew better. The feelings he had for that girl were those of a proud father. Now he had lost her to another man, to a country that was too far away. But unlike Lord Grantham, Charles had no right to say anything against it, could not interfere and Elsie now understood that this had broken his heart.

ooo

Evening came and the company upstairs had decided to go to bed. The footmen came down the stairs, carrying the empty glasses and half finished bottles of wine. Charles followed behind, carrying the leftover sherry. She observed them from the dark doorway of her sitting room, unseen by the many eyes that headed for the servant's hall and through the first door of the kitchen to return the dirty dishes and the food that had not been touched.

It was the usual evening routine they went through every night, with or without additional guests upstairs. Normally he was tired and exhausted by the end of the day but tonight, Charles was still smiling and in a good mood. Elsie sighed, she thought she had by now accepted his affection for Lady Mary, she even saw a bit of her younger self in the woman. The stubbornness and unsentimental approach to problems of any kind matched her own.

But since Mr Blake had taken her with him to live in America, Elsie's newly gained sympathy for the young widow had slowly dwindled with every week they had not heard from her. In the beginning Charles was not overly worried but gradually the happiness they had experienced since that day at the beach, faded. Elsie had tried her best to make keep him happy but only Lady Mary managed to evoke the carefreeness in him she had been unable to provide. And she was not willing to accept this any longer.

"Are you waiting for me?"

She had been lost in her thoughts and not noticed that he had approached her, the decanter with read wine in one hand, two glasses in the other.

"Of course." Elsie forced a smile and let him inside her room, closing the door behind them. "So how have things been across the Atlantic?" There was no point in talking around the subject that had troubled her all day. Better address it right away.

"Oh, she says she's very happy there although homesick sometimes." He put the glasses down onto the small table, poured them both a healthy measure of wine. "And I can understand why. Things are a bit different over there."

"Are they? I can imagine." The look on his face when he turned around to offer her the wine spoke volumes. He had finally noticed that she did not share his joy about Lady Mary's return.

"Is something the matter?" He adjusted the position of the chair he usually sat on, moved it closer to her side so that their knees almost touched.

"I still don't know what you see in her. She has not written to you in months!" Everything blurted out, unintended, unprepared. "And yet you protect her. You always will, won't you?"

His smile faded and she expected it to be replaced by anger. Instead he reached out for her hand, removed the wineglass from it and intertwined their fingers. "Elsie." His voice was soft, caring, a bit worried. "Why does this bother you so much?"

She took a deep breath. "You are always so hard on yourself. When it comes to Lady Mary, you forget everything. She is without fault."

He kissed the top of her hand softly. "I know that you see it that way. But it's not true although you might never believe me. I see the things she has done wrong but I cannot judge her. It is not in my position to do so."

"Oh yes it is. You are more than a simple hallboy or footman. You should have opinions and although I know you dislike it, sometimes it is necessary." She held his gaze, almost stared at him.

He didn't reply, or look away. Silence fell around them, more uncomfortable than the good mood he had been in all day.

"And there is one more thing, Charles." She bit her lip, looked away from his eyes, focused on their hands. "You've been happy today. And I haven't seen you in such good spirits since she left Downton." Elsie had not mentioned her suspicion: the fact that she had been unable to provide this happiness and that she probably never would. She waited for a reply, impatiently but at the same time dreading it. It was his turn to look away now at the exact moment when she found the courage to raise her head again, faced him.

"I miss her, I freely admit it. I never thought she would leave her home although it was naïve to think so. She is young and in love again. How many people get the chance to find a new love when the first one was taken from them?" He directed his words at the wall next to him.

"You are one of them, Charles." She whispered, thinking of Alice. "And I had hoped I could help you mend your broken heart over Lady Mary's departure but obviously I haven't. I can't make you happy." Elsie let go of his hand. It was too much. She could not continue this conversation. But he stopped her, abruptly, grasping her wrist when she was about to stand up from her chair.

"That's not true." He stood with her, pulled her close. "You make me happier than I can ever put into words."

"I haven't seen it." She stared at his starched white shirt.

"Lady Mary's visit was a surprise, one I had not expected. Of course I am happy about it. But it is a different happiness than the one you make me feel." His arms encircled her waist, drew her even closer. He rested his chin on the top of her head. "Elsie Hughes I love you with all my heart and you've mended it more than once."

She closed her eyes and inhaled his scent, felt the warmth radiating from his body, heard his deep voice rumble through his chest. They had not finished their discussion, there were still open questions she had to ask, but for now she believed him.

* * *

TBC


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N This chapter is based on a prompt by the chelsie-anon over at tumblr: Elsie watches out the backdoor as the last of the hallboys trots up the drive towards the village. She's been sending her "chicks" home for Mothering Sunday for twenty years, she should be used to it by now. That feeling of emptiness, empty house, empty table, empty heart. Nothing to be done about it at this stage of life. Taking a deep breath & pulling her shawl tighter against the cold March wind blowing through the courtyard, she turns & closes the door firmly behind her. What happens next? _

_I thought that this prompt was perfect for a new chapter._

**MOTHERING SUNDAY**

* * *

They were gone. All of them. Out through the backdoor, across the yard, on their way to their families, mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers. Like every year on Mothering Sunday Elsie watched them leave, said goodbye to everyone, wished them a happy, carefree day.

Everyone was in such good spirits. They left the house with an added spring in their step, carrying baskets full of treats or a bouquet of flowers, looking forward to a day at home. Daisy had led the company out of the house, followed by a smiling Ivy and a couple of younger kitchen maids who could not stop giggling. The hallboys joked and made a run for the gate. Even Jimmy looked cheerful.

Elsie waited until the last one was out of sight. The backyard was empty now, the house deserted. When she closed the backdoor behind her, the quietness was overwhelming. No chatter coming from the kitchen, no footsteps running up and down the stairs. No one ran along the corridor in a hurry to fetch a tea tray or a dress from the laundry room. Elsie stood with her back to the door for a moment and let the silence sink in. The loneliness was almost unbearable. It was the same feeling every year on this day. And even though she had experienced it so many times that she had lost count, it still hit her with the exact same force on every Mothering Sunday. She sighed and left her place by the door. There was no use in thinking about lost chances and missed opportunities now. Where was the point in it? She had made her decision more than thirty years ago and never regretted it, not really. Sometimes, yes. But she knew she was not the only one faced with these decisions. The day she had started working in service had been an exciting one. She had been so proud of the job and with every promotion she received, her work became more important to her. Until Elsie was made housekeeper she had not missed having her own family, a husband, children, a small cottage of her own.

She shook her head, tried to dispel the gloomy thoughts, and entered her sitting room, ready to continue with her work.

"Are they gone?" His voice startled her. Charles was sitting in the armchair by her desk, a book in his hand which he lowered now, closed it and put it aside.

"They are." She tried to smile but knew that it would not reach her eyes. "And we have the house to ourselves."

"Why don't you sit down and join me for an early cup of tea?" Charles pointed at the teapot, warmed by a tea cosy, and two empty cups. "Our work can wait until later. There is no rush."

Perhaps this was just the thing she needed: a quiet, shared moment with the man she loved. It would keep her busy and her mind away from the doubts that so often plagued her on this day.

"It is hard to believe that you just said that, Charles Carson."

He chuckled at her comment, stood up from his chair and offered her his seat while he took one of the wooden ones Elsie kept at the small table. "Sometimes you have to bend the rules a bit in order to successfully manage a day."

"Well said." Elsie sat down and closed her eyes for a moment, relieved not to be alone in this huge house.

"And I know that this day is not your favourite one." She could hear how he poured the tea, added sugar and a bit of milk. The sound of the spoon hitting against the china while he stirred the tea was oddly comforting in the otherwise silent room. This is how it could have been had she taken a different path all these years ago. A day at home with her husband, a shared cup of tea after an eventful day, peace and quietness and a bit more in the evenings. "But there is nothing we can do about it."

She knew that but thinking about it hurt nevertheless. "I know that. We have made a decision and it was a good one, wasn't it?" Elsie opened her eyes again and looked at him.

"It was." He handed her the cup. The warmth radiating from the tea felt good in her hands, comforting and homey. "We would never have met if you had gone another way."

"Maybe you would still be part of the Cheerful Charlies." Elsie took a sip of tea and smiled at him again, this time in earnest.

"Oh don't remind me of that!" The laughter they shared lightened her spirits far more than she could have imagined. "I'm glad my days on the stage are over."

"Then do you regret not having a wife and children, a home of your own?" The question was out before she realized what she had said. So many times they had talked about this topic already. And the answer had always been the same.

"You know how I feel about this, Elsie. There was no one in my life I could have shared all of this with." He put down his cup, leaned forward and took her free hand in his. "I did not miss it because I thought I had everything I needed right here."

She glanced at their entwined hands. There was another question on her lips, one she had not asked before. Lady Mary's visit and the trouble it had caused in their relationship was still fresh on her mind and not forgotten. "What about children? Did you never wonder how it would have been like to be a father and Lady Mary your own daughter?"

He withdrew his hand, broke eye contact and Elsie knew she had asked the wrong question.

"I've hurt you."

"No." His head turned around again and Elsie could feel that it took some strength and self-control to look at her again. "No, you didn't. I wouldn't have been a good father. I was too engrossed in my work and my own problems. I wouldn't have been a good father." He repeated.

Their conversation stopped and the silence between them weighed heavier than the one outside the door of her sitting room, the empty servant's hall, the missing hustle and bustle that always kept the halls alive.

"You would have been an excellent father." She finally whispered.

"Maybe." He heaved a sigh, then took her hand again. "But that's all in the past. We cannot change it. I have you and I could have had nothing after Alice, after returning to Downton. It was you that kept me here. And I couldn't be more happy."

ooo

Late in the evening the boys and girls, young women and men returned from their day out. Immediately the house came back to life, was filled with animated chatter and laughter. Elsie waited in the servant's hall, welcoming them back with a warm smile although she still could not entirely share the happiness.

"We'll eat in half an hour. Then it's back to work." Charles reminded the large group but with a smile on his face and his voice soft, not harsh and commanding. For once no one objected or rolled their eyes. All around them, Elsie could hear a happy "Yes Mr Carson, of course Mr Carson" before the servant's hall emptied as fast as it had been crowded earlier. Sunday dresses were discarded and exchanged for working clothes.

Elsie left them to it, decided to enjoy one last moment of solitude in her sitting room, one last chance to think about the conversation she had with Charles earlier. It had hurt both of them but their talk had been necessary and it had helped. She knew now that she was not alone with her doubts about the path she had chosen thirty years ago.

The door she had closed before stood slightly ajar. It should have made her suspicious and had she noticed it might have prepared her for what confronted her the moment she stepped into her room. A huge bouquet of flowers stood on her small table, another smaller one on her desk. Some beautifully decorated cards surrounded the vases and a box of what looked like chocolate had been placed on the mantelpiece of her fireplace.

Elsie turned around, expected someone behind her at the door, maids or footmen who hoped to catch the surprised look on her face. She was alone. Hesitantly she picked up the nearest card, opened it and read the short message. Daisy's clear but slightly childish handwriting greeted her, wishing her a wonderful Mothering Sunday. The next one was from Anna with an equally beautiful message.

Unwanted tears welled in her eyes as she picked up card after card, ten different ones in total. The words she found inside touched her heart and made her proud. Never before had they thought of her on this special day. And why should they? She was not their mother, only a housekeeper.

"What's all of this?" The second time today his appearance surprised her. He stood in the doorway, taking in the flowers and cards. "I know it's not your birthday."

"No it's not." Fresh tears glistened on her cheeks.

"Then where does this all come from?" He entered and closed the door behind him.

"Apparently we are parents after all." She handed him the last card she had just read which contained a short message from Mr Bates. It had stood next to the box of chocolates. Elsie searched for a handkerchief in the pocket of her dress. "These are all presents for Motherings Sunday. They must have planned this before they left for the day."

Charles returned the card. "I never knew." Elsie could tell that he was searching for words, that this was also a surprise to him, something he had never expected.

"We haven't missed our chance." She whispered and reached up to touch his cheek and turn his head slightly so that she could look into his eyes. "And you are a wonderful father." Before he could respond, Elsie kissed him. Not briefly like she normally did during the day, a quick peck on the cheek, a kiss on his brow or head. This kiss was full of longing, love and a promise for more.

* * *

TBC


End file.
